Waiter," Billy roars in the restaurant.
"I want a steak, but it must taste just like veal.
In the soup there must be no more and no less than
16 droplets of fat, and the wine must be served at
exactly 50 degrees. The crystal wineglass must sound
in A-flat when I tap it."
The waiter remains stoically calm, notes down every
request, and then asks:
"And the toothpicks, sir" Would you like them to
be Rococo, Biedermier, Jugendstil, or would you prefer
something in a slighty more modern line?"
- Urbain Koopmans
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought
him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what's this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered.
"What is it now?"
- Margaret Olderog
The truck driver looked askance at the soup he had
just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark
flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress,
"these particles in my soup, aren't they foreign objects?"
She scruitinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him.
"Those things live around here."
- Dean Morgan
A diner called the waiter over and asked,
"What's this at the bottom of my plate?"
"It's the design," replied the waiter.
"In that case," said the diner,
"it's an animated drawing, it's moving!"
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
Waitress to customer:
"Our diet special, for $24.95, is dry tuna on lettuce,
served by a hypnotist who will make you
think your're eatting lasagna."
- Funny Times
Waitress: "We have practically everything on the menu."
Patron: "So I see! Can you bring me a clean one?"
"Do you have any wild duck?"
"No, but I'll gladly annoy a tamed one for you!"
"Waiter, there's a hair in my soup."
"Is it blond? We're missing a waitress!"
"Here's your coffee, sir. It's Brazilian."
"Oh, is that where you've been?"
I like to play around with waitresses,
I'm playing for big steaks!
In most restaurants today, the food
is frozen and the waiters are fresh!
A customer told a waitress that her
service was miserable. The waitress
said, "How do you know?
You haven't gotten any yet!"
Waiter to patron: "Our special is veal brochette
tenderly microwaved in a delicate cellophane bag."
- John Caldwell
Waiter to restaurant patrons:
"Our light menu is the same as our regular one,
but we grab your plate before you can finish."
- Bunny Hoest
The waiter placed the finger bowls before the
two men. Because they were unfamiliar with
fine dining, one of the men asked, "What are
these for?" The waiter said, "You wash your
hands in them." The second diner said, "See?
You ask a foolish question, you get a
foolish answer!"
Since the customer seemed uncertain,
the waiter suggested, "Our halibut
steak is fine."
The customer said, "I'm allergic to fish."
"The London Broil is nice."
"My cholesterol is very high."
"We have roast chicken."
"Chicken gives me terrible cramps."
The waiter smiled and said, "Why don't
you go to your doctor first, and
then you'll order!