Did you hear the one about the
dentist who married a manicurist?
The fought tooth and nail.
- Joan McCourt
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man
on a small island who is shouting and despertately
waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea.
Every year when we pass, he goes mad."
- Chayan
Sitting in a row boat,
the novice fisherman asked his companion,
"Got any more of those little plastic floats?"
"Why?"
"This one keeps sinking."
- Art Sansom
A Red Neck Went To See A Psychiatrist
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself
in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me
three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?""Eighty dollars per visit,
replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you
were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy
to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"
Mother: "What did your father say when he fell off the ladder?"
Junior: "Shall I leave out the naughty words?"
Mother: "Of course dear."
Junior: "Nothing." Unknown
What does a Mobster buried in deep cement soon become?
Answer: A hardened criminal.
- Chan Harris
A sign in the gift shop read, "For the man who has everything:
A calendar to remind him when the payments are due."
A woman was mailing the Old Family Bible to a brother in a distant city.
Postal Clerk: "Does this package contain anything breakable?"
Lady: "Only the Ten Commandments."
"My son's letters always send me to the dictionary," bragged the
father of a Harvard undergraduate. "Your lucky," replied his
friend. "My son's letters always send me to the bank."
Lawyer to client: "In my profession, there's no such thing as free speech."
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope
on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a
smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied
indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here,
give me the broom, I'll show you how."