When I played drunks I had to remain sober because
I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.
- Sir Richard Burton
A rich man's joke is always funny.
- Unknown
If it wasn't for the olives in his
martinis, he'd starve to death!
He never drinks when he's driving.
He doesn't want to spill any!
Somebody gave him a hotfoot.
He burned for three days!
He read about the evils of drinking,
so he gave up reading!
They called him the Town Drunk.
He lived in New York at the time!
I never knew he drank til I saw him sober!
He was a born alcoholic. At his birth he
was baptized with holy oil and a chaser!
He drinks so much, when he sweats he's a fire hazard!
One day he saw a sign: "Drink Canada Dry." He went!
When his spirits ge low, he uses a straw!
He recently had a sobering experience. The bar closed!
He spends more time weaving than a loom!
The way he drinks, solid food
makes a splash when he eats it!
He felt like a new man. The trouble was
that the new man wanted a drink too.
She must be Mary, Queen of Scotch!
Nobody makes him drink the way he does. He's a volunteer!
He's leaned on so many bars, his elbows are padded!
She never drinks unless she's alone or with somebody!
She doesn't wear glasses, she just empties them!
Every morning he gets up tight and early!
They call him a creep because
that's how he gets home at night!
His eyes are pretty bloodshot. If he didn't
close them, he'd bleed to death!
After the first shot he feels like himself.
After the second, he feels like a new man.
After the third he feels like a baby.
He crawls all the way home!
He drinks to calm himself.
Last night he got so calm,
he couldn't move!
He ruined his health by drinking to everyone else's!
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced
to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
- Ernest Hemmingway
A drunk driver gave this excuse to the police
who stopped her in Menlo Park, Calif., when she
couldn't perform the finger to nose sobriety test:
"I can't find it. I used to have a big nose,
but I got a nose job and now I can't find it."
- San Jose Mercury News
You're not drunk if you can lie
on thefloor without holding on.
- Dean Martin
Man, being reasonable, must get drunk;
the best of life is but intoxication.
- Lord Byron
The best audience is one that is intelligent,
well-educated, and a little drunk.
- Alben W. Barkley
A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an
illustration of a police car with lights flashing,
reads, "If you drink and drive,
we'll provide the chasers."
- Joann Berntsen
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul,
stopped wearing his wedding band.
"Why don't you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It's suppose to."
- Marilyn Ware
Sign on highway leading to major city:
"Entering financial district.
Be prepared to merge."
- Schwadron in the Wall Street Journal
The worst thing about some men is that
when they are not drunk they are sober.
- William Butler Yeats
When I read about the evils
of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman