A bartender had acquired a strange means of adding to his
income. For every dollar he'd put into the cash register,
he'd manage to drop another one for himself in his shirt
pocket. This one evening he passed on the cash register
with some money, and dropped two dollars in his shirt pocket.
The boss asked, "What's the matter, aren't we partners anymore?"
A man comes into a bar and has a drink. Looking around for
companionship, he sees a woman at the other end of the bar
and calls, "Hey, douche bag, want a drink?"
The woman looks at him disdainfully and then turns to the
bartender and says, "I've never been so insulted in my life."
The bartender agrees with her and tosses the uncouth man out
of the bar. Returning, the bartender says to the woman,
"I'm sorry about that. Let the house buy you a drink."
"That will be nice."
"What will you have?"
Vinegar and water."
A wino made a nuisance of himself so the bartender picked him
up and tossed him out into the street. A minute later, the wino
was back in again. Again the bartender heaved him out.
This happened a half dozen times. Finally the wino said,
"Do you work in every joint in this block?"
The new barmaid was endowed beyond belief. Moreover, she wore
a blouse that revealed much of her splendors. For some
strange reason, the first ten boozers in, ordered milk.
The next one ordered a pair of Scotch.
One bar has a sign over the register that says,
"If you DRINK to FORGET,
try PAYING in ADVANCE.
A woman walked into a bar and marched straight to her husband,
who was feeling no pain as he sat on his barstool. The woman
took a sip of the booze he'd been drinking and spat it out in
disgust. "It tastes awful," she said. The man answered,
"And you think I'm having a good time every day!"
A man sitting in a bar lets out a giant belch. Nearby, a man
says, "How dare you belch before my wife!
The belcher says, "I didn't know she wanted to go first."
A good writer is not necessarily a good book critic. No more
so than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender.
- Jim Bishop
"May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on
a dark night, and the road downhill all the way to your door."
- Irish blessing
The HINDSIGHT to know where you've been
The FORESIGHT to know where you're going
And, the INSIGHT to know when you've gone too far.
- Irish toast
Who took the cork out of my lunch?
W.C. Fields
"Give me a whiskey, ginger ale on the side,
and don't be stingy, baby."
Greta Garbo
"I'll admit I may have seen better days,
but I'm still not to be had for the price
of a cocktail, like a salted peanut."
- Bette Davis
"What is a cocktail dress?"
"Something to spill cocktails on."
William Powell & Jean Arthur
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear.
She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm
indebted to her for.
W.C. Fields
"Vodka martini," I said.
"Incredibly dry. Powdered,
if you've got it."
- Hugh Laurie
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency
to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the
cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields
The problem with the world is that
everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live
for days on nothing but food and water.
- W.C. Fields
"Love makes the world go round? Not at all.
Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
- Compton Mackenzie
Some people wanted champagne and caviar
when they should have had beer and hot dogs.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Sexy Bartender Mixed Drinks
2 oz Melon Liqueur
1 oz Malibu Rum
1 oz Vodka
1 parts Orange Juice
1 parts Pinapple Juice
4 squirts Grenadine
Pack a tall glass with narrow bottom with ice.
Pour Melon liquer over ice. In a shaker tin,
mix remaining ingredients over ice and slowly
strain into glass. This cocktail is excellent
for show bartending and is an awesome summer
cocktail. Cheers!
Silk Panties Mixed Drinks
1 parts Vodka
1 parts Peach Schnapps
Chill shot
Silk Stockings Cocktails
1 1/2 oz. Tequila
1 oz. Creme de Cacao
1 1/2 oz. Cream
1 Dash Grenadine
Shake ingredients with crushed ice. Strain into
cocktail glass. Sprinkle cinnamon on top.