Customer Service
How To Install Love
How Am I Supposed To Live Without You, Love In The City,
Love Story, From Russia With Love
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install LOVE.
Can you guide me through the process?
CS Rep. : Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to
install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep. : The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located
your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running
right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep. : What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE,
and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep. : No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from
your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory,
but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually
overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE.
However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM.
Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn
those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep. : My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE.
Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM
have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?
CS Rep. : Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall
for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep. : Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need
to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep. : What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS."
What does that mean?
CS Rep. : Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the
LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been
run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things,
but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine
before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep. : Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep. : Excellent. You're getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep. : You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy
them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT,
and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any
conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming.
Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories,
and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG
is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE,
and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART.
Is this normal?
CS Rep. : Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually
everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed
and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing
before I go.
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep. : LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules
to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and
they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?
CS Rep. : You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as
The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel all they
need is an annual check-up to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer
(Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency.
Put another way, keep in touch...
