Fun for people with a sense of humor.
The following instructions are INSANE!

If you drink diet soda with candy bars,
the calories in the candy bar are
cancelled out by the diet soda.

If you eat something and no one sees
you eat it, it has no calories.

When eating with someone else, calories
don't count, just as long as you don't
eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes never
counts. Example: hot fudge chocolate,
chocolate chip cookies and Sara Lee
cheesecake.

If you fatten up the people around you,
then you look thinner.

Movie related foods do not have
additional calories because they are part
of the entire entertainment package and
are not part of one's personal intake.
Examples are Milk Duds, caramel popcorn,
Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

Cookie pieces contain no calories. The
process of breaking cookies causes
caloric leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have
no calories if you are in the process of
preparing something. Examples are peanut
butter on a knife while making a sandwich,
or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

Potato chips eaten while closing your
eyes shut and standing on one foot, contain
10 calories per bag. If you eat them while
holding your breath, they contain 4 calories.

Foods that have the same color have the same
number of calories. Examples: spinach and
green beans, cabbage and dark green caramel
topping.

Attention: Chocolate is a universal
substitute and may be used in place of
any other food.

For every burp, subtract 25 calories.



Easy Weight Loss Program

A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day
lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered
him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is
an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight
loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks
to himself. "But let's see what they think they
can do. He calls them on the phone and
subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight
loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door,
and when he answers, there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed
in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign
hanging around her neck. She introduces herself
as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me. " Well without a second thought he takes off after
her, like a shot, who wouldn't? A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches
her and has his way with her.

After they are through, he thinks to himself
with a nod, "I like the way this company does
business." For the next two days, the same girl
shows up and the same thing happens each time.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure
enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he
likes his somewhat slender physique, not to
mention the method of "treatment", he calls the
company back and subscribes to their 5 day,
20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that
losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a
lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout"
schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at
his door. When he answers it there stands a
22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a
pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She
is simply stunning the most beautiful woman he
has ever seen. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads "If you can catch me, you
can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in
excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does it is worth every cramp
and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the
next four days....For the next four days, the
same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day,
he weighs himself and, unbelievable, he has lost
another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he
thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight
could be so easy and so much fun!"

Feeling much better about himself, he decides
to go for broke and subscribe to the company's
7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you
sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely,"
says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt
this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and
he enthusiastically answers it. There stands
before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man
dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can
catch you, I can have you.


Rules of Eating
The Bronx Dieter's Creed

Never eat on an empty stomach.
Never leave the table hungry.
When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
Enjoy your food.
Enjoy your companion's food.

Really taste your food. It may take several
portions to accomplish this, especially if
subtly seasoned.

Really feel your food. Texture is important.
Compare, for example, the texture of a turnip
to that of a brownie. Which feels better
against your cheeks?

Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
Don't feel you must finish everything on
your plate. You can always eat it later.

Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
Avoid blue food.
Richard Smit
The Bronx Diet

Rules For Dieting
The Perfect Girl
Why Do Women Love Men?
The Difference Between Love and Lust
Life Is Precious, Handle With Care
Wedding Customs Traditions and Superstions
Customer Service How To Install Love
Death Of An Innocent
Desiderata
Romantic Love Secrets
Beauty Tips From Audrey Hepburn
Love Tips For Girls
Tips For Successful Dating
Love Tips for Men and Women
Recipe For Love
Men In Black Lyrics
You Are So Beautiful Lyrics
Diamonds Are Forever
Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend Lyrics
Diamond Ring Jon Bon Jovi
Diamonds Janet Jackson Lyrics

Sparkling Diamonds, Moulin Rouge Nicole Kidman
Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend

Spanish Eyes Backstreet Boys
Spanish Eyes Ricky Martin
The Look of Love Dusty Springfield
Dusty Springfield You Don't Have To Say You Love Me
Madonna Bad Girls
La Bamba Song and Lyrics by Dusty Springfield

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