Online Computer Users
Engage In Cybersex

Fantasies shared get pretty raunchy. One of the two adult
cyber surfers in the following transcript doesn't get the
point of dirty talk

Online Computer Users Engage In Cybersex

Online computer users engage affectionately in cybersex.
Fantasies shared get pretty raunchy. One of the two adult
cyber surfers in the following transcript doesn't get the
point of cybersex.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt
and high heels. I work out every day; I'm toned and perfect.
My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses
and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought
from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few
spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner, it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to do me?

Wellhung: OK, sure.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing
on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.
I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling.

Wellhung: My hand works its way down and begins to fondle
your thingy ... I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool
silk slides off my warm skin.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks nervously and accidentally
rips a hole in your blouse. I'm so sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy
black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as
I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.
I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.
I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra
slides off my body.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra
and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want
to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your,
you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.
Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered
with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with
the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.
I drop it on the floor.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are
cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your underwear. My tongue is
going all over, nibbling on you ... umm, wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a hair in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm
fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where
do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's
dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want
you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately, our naked
bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place
the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across
the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around
for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ...
in your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't
stand it another second!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous
look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, nevermind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair
spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire!
I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooo!

Sweetheart: logged off

One good thing about internet dating:
you're guaranteed to click with
whomever you meet.

10 Rules Of CyberSex

1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make
sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at
the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major
holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all
your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to
explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various
"toys" can be heard.

2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem
protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard.
It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer
technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.

3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as:
sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with
stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car
or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber
partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings,
and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up
so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of
high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women
dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I
truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of
my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at
the office, but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in
the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing,
we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from
straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories
to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many
years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this
sordid affair with your 15" screen.

5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person
know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell
them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your
grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out
one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather
read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR,
checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when
you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue
to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.

6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check
your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e.,
oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I
just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a
western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting
with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big
coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that).
That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make
my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!

7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from
putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had
just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue
as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you
are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of
premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for
3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you
got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't
take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have
to let my dog out."

8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked
satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of
faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank
you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you
truly had a wonderful time.)

9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured
into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they
ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one.
If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just
bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your
message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not
make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in
the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark
does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted
if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather
be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady
rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you
know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets
tired, try dating your left hand for something different.

To err is human, but to really foul
things up you need a computer.
Paul Ehrlich
Online Computer Users Engage In cybersex
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