Weight Loss Holiday Comedy
The Night Before Christmas
And The Weight Watcher Dropout Case Of
The Candies And Fudge Brownies Attack
T'was the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in my freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer.
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick,
I knew in a flash that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet coated santa and sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear:
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on Tops
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
dash away pounds and dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to night-dress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
they shook when I laughed like a bowl of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, as to the heavens I cry
if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I'll starve, until I take that first bite!
Health food may be good for the conscience
but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better.
- Robert Redford
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