"Maybe if you did some push ups, your boobs would grow."
"I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
"How come it's so BIG in there?"
"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"
Sniff Sniff.. "Is that CAT food?"
(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!"
"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
"I've been getting these little blisters lately..."
"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
Five Stages Of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex:
This happens during the honeymoon period.
You both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex:
This is the beginning of the marriage.
You'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third is Bedroom Sex:
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you've got to do it in the bedroom.
The fourth is Hallway Sex:
This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say, Oh, Fuck YOU!
The fifth is Courtroom Sex:
This is where you get divorced and your wife delights in
screwing you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Deaf Married People And Sex In The Bedroom
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom
with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or
lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't
want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times".
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife
if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis
one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two
hundred and fifty times."
A man and a woman were having drinks when they
got into an arguement about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put
your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out,
which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
To succeed with the opposite sex,
tell her you're impotent. She can't
wait to disprove it.
Sex is the poor man's polo.
Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have
sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek
professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only
way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek
Sex In What City?
Pornstar Sex Generator